Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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