and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
