Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
whose ass print is on the piano?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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