I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
