By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
