Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
