I'm so fucking centered right now
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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