he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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