I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
