I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize