Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
