How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
