Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
