am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
