Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
