if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
