Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
if only i could text you this smell
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
