So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
