As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
