Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
