i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
