my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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