Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
