you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
