After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize