I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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