Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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