My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
