I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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