it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
