Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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