I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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