last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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