We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
