Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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