Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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