Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
