the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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