Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
