I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
