If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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