Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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