Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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