i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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