i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
