Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
