I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
