Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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