fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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