I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
