can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
