Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
