i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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