Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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