Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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