The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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