So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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