Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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