I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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